The process below is from Blanchard and McBride’s Book, “the One Minute Apology.” (Blanchard Family Partnership and Margaret McBride, 2003) When I read the book several years ago, it gave new meaning to the Jewish Holiday of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
If you can master this process, you will end with your integrity restored and your relationship repaired. Apologizing is not easy and you may have to repeat the process more than once. But at some point, if you are sincere and do change your behavior; those you have hurt will have to forgive you.
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Start by examining yourself and your behavior. (Steps #1-5)
1. I recognize that what I did or failed to do was wrong.
•What mistake did I make?
•Did I dismiss another person, their wishes, feelings, or ideas?
•Did I take credit when it wasn’t due?
•Why did I do this?
•Was it an impulsive, thoughtless act? Was it calculated? Was it a result of my fear, anger, or frustration? What was my motivation?
•How long have I let this go on? Is this the first or repeated time? Is this behavior becoming a pattern in my life?
•What is the truth I am not dealing with?
2. What I did is inconsistent with who I want to be?
•Am I better than this behavior? (If you answer yes, proceed. If not, start over.)
3. I know that I am better than my poor behavior and I forgive myself.
4. I take full responsibility for my actions and recognize how much I hurt I caused. I need to apologize, regardless of the outcome.
5. I know that apologizing, by itself, is not good enough, it is only talk. I must make also make amends as soon as possible.
Go to those that you hurt. (Steps #6 & 7)
6. I tell everyone I harmed specifically;
(1) What I did wrong.
(2) Honestly, how I feel about what I did.
(3) What I will do to make amends.
7. I swear to myself and the ones I hurt not to repeat what I did and I sincerely commit to changing my behavior.