I can’t believe how our country has changed since I was a child. My parents never let me talk about people the way we do now. If I did, they made sure that I had the cleanest mouth in town, my favorite was Ivory (it floated). In school, getting caught speaking out of turn was my biggest fear.
It appears we have an argument culture that has a focus on winning by often repeating arguments, and sometimes by centering that focus on those who disagree with us, rather than upon identifying the causes of the problem, and then resolving the problem.
Take shootings that happen at schools, for example. It becomes immediately about guns, pro gun rights versus limited gun rights. Or is it about the shooter? Or is it about today’s deteriorating classroom environment? Or is it because you don’t know what you âre talking about, but I do? At which point we have gone from discussion into un-resolvable arguments, repeating scripts we know by heart.
We have to reconsider our thinking about ourselves. We âre really not all that rational, especially when we have emotions to deal with, a commitment to our belief system. When two semi-rational people disagree, the resulting argument can be totally irrational.
If we are going fix anything, we’ve got to look deeper into our scripts so we will be able to identify the underlying causes of our problems. School shootings are terrible, but, what is worse is that they divert us from more serious human problems, which motivate the shooters; racial hatreds, poverty, poor schooling, domestic and verbal abuse, bullying, etc.
Finally, we have to work on how we communicate with each other, stop the blaming and finger-pointing, so we can come up with a solution.
Words are so common, we hâve used them since we were little and our parents thought we were so cute. But, as we grew, we found out that it was not all that simple.
When we think we are using language, language is using us. As linguist Dwight Bollinger put it (employing a military metaphor), language is like a loaded gun: It can be fired intentionally but it can wound or kill just as surely when fired accidentally. The terms in which we talk about something shape the way we think about it-and even what we see.
The power of words to shape perception has been proven by researchers in controlled experiments. Psychologists Elizabeth Loftus and John Palmer, asked their subjects, about how fast were the cars going when they bumped into each other? Others were asked, âbout how fast were the cars going when they smashed into each other? Those who read the question with the verb smashed overestimated that the cars were going faster. They were also more likely to remember having seen broken glass. (There wasn’t any.)
This is how language works. It invisibly molds our way of thinking about people, actions, and the world around us. Military metaphors train us to think about-and see-everything in terms of fighting, conflict, and war. This perspective then limits our imaginations when we consider what we can do about situations we would like to understand or change. (Tannen, Deborah, The Argument Culture, (P 14)
The problem is not new. For about the last 8,000 years we have been educated in a language that is not very effective in enjoying any kind of relationship. Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand, and diagnose, to think and communicate in terms of what is right and wrong with people. At best, communicating and thinking this way can create misunderstanding and frustration. And still worse, it can lead to anger, depression, and even emotional or physical violence. (Marshall B. Rosenberg, NVC, A Language of Life)
Deborah Tannen told us what happened in 1996. In 1998, she published, The Argument Culture (6), which clearly identifies the reason we are in this mess:
Following the close of the 104th Congress in 1996, a startling event occurred: Fourteen incumbent senators decided not to seek reelection. Such an exodus was unprecedented in U.S. history. …Even more distressing, the voluntarily retiring senators were a particularly distinguished and respected group, widely agreed to be exceptionally thoughtful, fair, and moderate. In his introduction to a collection of farewell essays by thirteen of them, Norman Ornstein singles out a theme running through their remarks …Many of the outgoing senators lament the increasing level of vituperation and partisanship. (6, p. 95)
There is Hope
The shooting at Parkland was unusual, because of a rather unique group of students there. They are scared, for themselves and for the rest of their generation. Their compassion is still there and, with any luck we have an opportunity to help them keep it, before they lose it.
They’ve got a lot of guts. They started a verbal battle with their elected representatives and the NRA. These millennials have shown us a determination that many of us thought was lacking in people their age. Their energy tells me that change is possible. They know that something is wrong and they want to fix it.
But, their view is limited by age and experience. It’s a long time until November and they’re trying to overpower the adults with their own tactics. But, between now and November we have enough time to show them how we can circumvent the broken system, change the tactics and level the playing field.
We Know How
Better Outcomes is an independent, grassroots organization. It is built on a solid religious upbringing, a Master’s degree in Social Work, experience with adult felons in corrections, 10 years, and 25 years of mediation seminars and training, while helping seniors and their families.
Our Candidate Conversations and Interviews are an alternative to debates. We use mediation guidelines and neutral, trained mediators to keep things under control. We demonstrate to the candidates and the audience, how to find alternatives civilly. We use local people to help collect and then we write the questions. Mediators who understand the political race are in charge.
In this setting, candidates have the opportunity to show us that they can speak civilly and think rationally, even in the midst of a contentious political campaign and, best of all the audience gets object information about the people running for office, so they can make a rational decision about casting their vote.
Action Steps
We want to insert our model into the current political campaign, so we can show people that it works. BUT, as its founder, I have taken Better Outcomes as far as I can and spent more money than I should have. There is little more than I can do by myself.
I am looking for people who have experienced real world problems, who understand how money and power work in our society and are not happy with the way things are right now. The only things I am asking for is that they be proactive and want peace.
We need volunteers to find venues for presentations so we can explain how Better Outcomes works and to get the word out. This should bring in the Donations we need to fund advertising, writers to push blogging, tweeting, email, etc. And last we need organizers to keep me under control.
Please check out our website, www.getbetteroutcomes.org. If you want to explore Candidate Conversations or having me come to talk with your group, please call the office 234-571-9620 or my cell phone 216-832-4358. For anything else, send an email to info@getbetteroutcomes.site.
Thank you. We are looking forward to working with you to make the world a better place.